On New Year’s Eve, The Teenager and all of her closest friends had a virtual New Year’s party. Of course during COVID there isn’t much social interaction, so who would I be to deny her the opportunity to attend a party with her peers?
They giggled and guffawed into the late hours of the night, and I pulled the trigger on dying my hair blue. It’s just hair. I can cut, shave, dye, or fry it, and it will grow back. During this party, with dye seeping into my scalp, is when The Teenager informed me I am the cool mom. All of her friends say so. I have piercings and unnatural hair colors. I allowed The Teenager to gauge her ears beginning at age 11 with a size 00 limit and have blue and purple hair. She has had boyfriends, and she is comfortable talking to us, her parents, about it — her friends would NEVER! We listen to rock music and don’t enforce a weekend schedule. This list goes on for quite a while (as does any conversation with this child). The more she explained why all of her friends think I’m the cool mom, the more a sense of sadness overcame my Mommy soul. I lived most of my young life with strict grandparents. They did it out of love, but it in no way prepared me for the world. What I learned was how to keep secrets, how to lie, how to sneak around, how to navigate the world unguided and vulnerable. I could NEVER talk to my grandparents about the boys I liked without a speech about how they want to impregnate me and leave me. I could never ask to change my body and expect approval or even a hint of negotiation. They expected me to be a robot devoid of all feelings and autonomy. Using my experiences, I use them it to shape my skills as a parent. The things most people fear for their children are things that happen regardless if they have permission or not. I want my children to come to me and talk to me assured when they decide they need birth control. Hopefully, my kids will introduce me to their friends and significant others without fear of automatic disapproval. Like most parents, I want to sleep easy, assured my kids are where they say they will be. I want my children to trust me, and I want to trust them. My goal is to be familiar with my children well enough to see subtle changes and warning signs if things are taking a wrong turn. I want them to feel that my love is unconditional; I will not desert them just because they are doing something I wouldn’t approve of. There is a loneliness that comes from hiding so much of your life from your family that lingers well into adulthood. Along with that is a sense of self-dependency that makes it impossible to admit when you need help. I want my kids to recognize they can always expect me to be there for them to lean on. In a way that only kids do, they will test boundaries and my patience, they will make mistakes and expect discipline when things go too far, and they will grow into adults from these experiences. I’m hoping that by being the cool mom and allowing them autonomy, they will be well-rounded adults who are secure, knowing I unconditionally love them.
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I highly recommend watching the videos of Ethan for a better understanding of the outbursts we as parents of children with ODD deal with. Bless his momma and all that she has to deal with.
Ethan, Ethan and his sister - Here are a couple of clips of Ethan and his family. “I would spank my kid for acting like that,” — Says many people. As someone who is around children in an authoritative role, we recognize that the authority we have over our children is nothing more than a facade. They do the things we ask out of respect, admiration, and even fear. Children often test their boundaries to see what happens when they take you past your limits. They want to learn what happens when they call you on your bluff, so they recognize how far they can take things next time. It’s age appropriate and starts around the time they throw their spoon to the floor from their high chair with glee to watch you retrieve it. It’s a learning experience for them. At some point they become familiar with your boundaries. They know that mom means business when she says do your chores or you can’t go out with your friends. They identify which boundaries they can cross and reconcile. Of course, as they get older, they test them again with their adolescent free spirit that demands independence. Children often realize when they’ve gone too far; when they’ve pushed mom to tears with their disrespect or when dad hangs his head in disappointment. Not all children are familiar with this game of give-and-take. Your role as a spectator is to not judge that mother whose 10-year-old is laying on the floor in the middle of the freezer aisle screaming that he will not leave the store until he gets new pokemon cards. If you have any useful skills to defuse the situation and you can see the desperation in the mother’s eyes, please, by all means, lend a helping hand. If you are going to click your tongue and murmur that your child would NEVER act this way, then walk away and pat yourself on the back for being so fortunate. There are “spoiled” children in this world. The criteria for “spoiled” varies from person to person. (My kids are more than spoiled to some and less than fortunate to others.) These are not the children I’m talking about. The children I’m talking about will act, speak, and present themselves like their peers. My Babou is one of them. He is witty, smart, curious, and oh so defiant. Oppositional Defiance Disorder is a behavioral disorder. Before you go any further, if you do not “believe” in behavioral, mental health, or learning disorders, please understand this is not for you. This is not up for debate, and I’m not interested in any un-credentialed opinion about a REAL scientifically recognized disorder. I am, however, grateful for tips, tricks, and a shoulder to cry on. I’d also like to point out that you can not spank the defiance out of a child with ODD anymore than you can spank the color out of their eyes. Looking back on Babou’s early arrival, his hypotonia and eating issues, and his long journey to the use of words, it feels like the first three years of his life lasted about a decade. I remember mystery fevers that kept us in emergency rooms multiple nights in a row, I remember how desperate I was for him to just say “mama” (PLEASE!?!?), and how overwhelmingly happy I was the first time he squeaked it from the back seat of our 2004 Pontiac Grand Am. I’m not sure if it was the rocky beginning that caused me to overlook the evidence of defiance early on. Most toddlers will use their newfound language to gain independence in their world in the “terrible twos” and “tyrant threes” and often tell you no, but when he said no, it differed from the other kids. When he said no, he meant it in the depths of his being and would not be willing to budge or compromise a bit. The situation is familiar: tear-filled tantrum of the angry three-year-old professing her desire for the green cup when her brother already has the green cup. A simple distraction often resolves this without upsetting other children. Babou was different. If he wanted the green cup, he would refuse to drink anything until he got the green cup. If you told him no, he could not stay up late to watch a movie, he would lie in bed for two hours staring at the ceiling for spite. His everyday reaction to any and every inconvenience amounts to explosive theatrics that often pave the way for power struggles and lots of tears shed in our home. One characteristic of ODD is that they are not as oppositional in every setting. Babou has an issue with women being in authoritative roles. He is very compliant and interactive with his father and uncles. He has never had a negative report from any of his male teachers. His new pediatrician would not have diagnosed him based on his behavior while in office. The ODD in him has lashed out when his first time teacher (again, using pseudonyms) Ms. Kinkle corrected a mistake on his math assignment or when seasoned Mrs. Spellman had asked that he quit interrupting his classmates during a presentation. He ran out of his school and threw a field away from Mrs. Morningstar, the principal, because she asked him to pick up a piece of paper and his mind told him it was an unjust request. My Babou, as precious as he is, can often be a handful. He ends his fits of rage and defiance with feelings of defeat and remorse. He always says he doesn’t mean to, and he wishes he could do better when he gets upset. We always seem to be at a battle of the wills or another, and it hurts — a lot. It brings up lots of feelings of desperation and hopelessness for me. I am his mother. If I can’t get him to behave, who can? I cannot avoid all social interactions all together (until recently that is) and I can not teach my children how to behave in public without taking them in public, so our power struggles often play out in public. Back to the 10-year-old in the grocery store — it’s my Babou. He’s staking his claim to the white tile next to the frozen peas, telling me he will not leave until he gets new pokemon cards. He lets me walk away — one aisle, two aisles, three aisles... I peek back and he has not moved. My motherly mind worries about the outlandish tales of people’s children being snatched by lurking Europeans in our small town Wal-Mart, so I head back to him. He still sits in the same place. He hasn’t moved an inch and his face is still as hard as his resolve. I pick him up and he immediately goes limp and starts screaming, crying, and kicking. It’s not a pathetic show he’s performing for your interest to make me appear to be a terrible mom. That type of game is merely child’s play. These are the actions of a child who can not regulate his emotions how his peers may. My reaction to him is not an act of passivism. My reaction is a mother who is well aware of the judgmental eyes and is mentally begging for him to give in or for someone to step in. I appreciate that your child wouldn’t behave like that and I’m happy for you. I am also vulnerable and exhausted from battling a behavioral disorder day in and day out, so please allow us some grace. If you have nothing nice to say, please just walk away. For more information regarding ODD please check out the links below: American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry John Hopkins Medicine Child Mind Institute Happy New Years! Thank you for moving along to 2021 with us. Our apologies as our posts have dwindled in recent days. School is back in session which means our schedules are cram-packed again. We are both working behind the scenes to get more content added so stay tuned my friends!
Large Family FAQ
As a mother of five I am asked so many questions about the ins and outs of parenting such a large brood. I have compiled a list of the most frequently asked questions regarding my clan. Q: Do you know what causes that? A: At this point, we think we know. It took some trial and error but we think we’ve worked out the kinks. (No pun intended.) Q: Are you done? A: Mostly. Occasionally I have that reminder from my ovaries that they are still alive and well and ready to fill my womb. That is easily squelched any time I remember that the baby didn’t sleep through the night until she was 5. Since we’ve worked out the kinks, I think we’re safe. Q: How do you feed them all? A: On rotation. There’s an equal amount of family members and days of the week. Lucky for us we each get our own day. Follow me on Facebook for more tips and tricks on feeding large families. Q: Are they all yours? A: Judging by how much they all look like my husband, I’m really unsure at this point. I feel like I may have involuntarily taken part of some sort of cloning experiment. Q: Are they all his? A: -Stares blankly until you feel uncomfortable- Yes. But I’m not sure why you have any concern in the paternity of my children. Q: Are you catholic? A: While I understand the basis of this question I’m interested in why people default to believing the only reason people have a large family is to satisfy a religious duty. Q: Are there twins? A: I wish! I have 2 sets of “Irish” or “Latin” twins. I've had 5 entire pregnancies with 5 entire vaginal births and each one kept me in diapers an extra year or two. Q: How do you afford them all? A: Trick question -- we don’t! Haha. (My husband has a great job that has afforded us many luxuries.) Q: Do you get benefits? A: There are plenty of benefits of having so many children. There are higher odds of raising at least one of them right. They all seem to love me thus far so I’m never lacking in that department. If I’m understanding the question correctly, you’re asking me, a stranger, if I am leeching on your tax dollars. The answer is no. Even if I were, its still not people like me that are the problem. Q: What is your grocery bill? A: (Sobs silently) Q: What is an average light bill? A: (Sobbing intensifies) Q: How do you do it? A: Coffee and lots of mental health support. In all seriousness-- I don’t know. I just get up. I go through the motions that keep us all alive and like 25% organized. I have a moody teenager, a very intelligent son with adhd and odd, a little girl that marches to the beat of her own drum who also carries the burden of adhd, a honey badger, and the baby (who is 6 if anyone is wondering). I never intended on having a large family but it happened. From the day I brought their lives into this world I had no other choice but to just do it. Some days are harder than others (as with any family) but if you’re asking this question I feel like you seriously underestimate your super powers, momma. Q: Wow! You look way too young to have that many kids? A: Thanks, I guess. What age should I look to have this many kids? Surprisingly we’re actually a pretty normal-ish family. The fact that we had more children than a lot of our peers does not mean we are an oddity or freakshow. Understandably, we do have some different needs than smaller families but it’s typically in regards to size and timing. If you have any questions burning in the back of your brain feel free to shoot me an email! [email protected]
Greetings and welcome to Moms Not Kidding, a blog covering a variety of mom-topics and life-topics for those in need of honest advice and laughs. There are a few things you need to know as you enter our virtual mess.
1. We will probably offend you and that’s okay. On this blog, you will find a diverse array of discussions from raising a child with ADHD, working full time outside your home, not losing your mind on the daily, and even why you should just order out on those nights you are feeling stretched too thin to cook. Here at Moms Not Kidding we are neither Democrats nor Republicans but moms trying to raise our kids in a world with a little less hate and a little more understanding. You don’t have to agree with our posts or opinions just like we don’t have to agree with yours. The beauty of being individuals means we get to be who we are and think what we want. We accept your differences in opinions and only ask that you come to our blog with an open mind ready to accept ours. 2. We won’t fight you on social media. We are busy AF and don’t have time for social media drama so don’t expect us to respond back to every post bashing our opinions or even praising them. There is too much mom work and life work going on to get caught up in all that. 3. We have ADHD and are raising kids with ADHD. Our minds are disorganized, and our lives are serious reflections of that more often than not. Please be patient with us as we work to build this blog and community. We will make mistakes and probably forget to post on a regular schedule. That is who we are and our daily struggle and understanding is appreciated. Once again, welcome to our blog. We are very excited you are here! To learn more about us individuals click here. |
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